Swine flu makes me smile...

..because of jokes like this:

They said a black man would be elected president when pigs fly. Well, swine flu.

and websites like this:

http://doihavepigflu.com/

and pictures like this:

I'd be wearing a surgical mask, but J. Crew sold out of the sear-sucker variety and any others just wouldn't match my new aviators.

Swearing is caring

As far as language goes, I like to keep it clean. However, that doesn't mean I don't enjoy a good swearing story every now and again. Here are two of my all-time favorites (both of which happened within the last week):

1. President Eyring spoke at the DC BYU Management Society Dinner last weekend. The former US Ambassador to Belgium --a good friend of Eyring's from college -- introduced President Eyring (keep in mind that this former ambassador is not a member of the LDS faith):

"To all of you Mormons in the audience: welcome brothers and sisters.
To all you Jews in the audience: shalom.
To all you Muslims in the audience: praise be to Allah.
To all the atheists in the audience: how the hell are ya?"

After a pause, the whole banquet hall erupted in laughter. I could hardly contain myself, here was a former ambassador, swearing loudly in front of the first counselor in the first presidency. You can't tell me that's not a good swear.

2. On my way home from work every night I walk through a courtyard in our neighborhood called "Kings Court." Every day there are two kids out playing in the grass and shaking the branches of the cherry trees to make the blossoms fall like snow around them.

On Friday, one of the kids --the girl, who I would suspect is about 7 or 8 years old --was riding her razor scooter up and down the sidewalk at a break-neck pace. I had to jump out of the way to avoid being hit (got my shoes all muddy, darn it!), and an older lady about 20 feet down had to jump out of the way as well.

I kept watching as this little girl hurled herself down the sidewalk as fast as she could go, until she jumped off the scooter, turned around looking proud of herself and exclaimed in her loud squeeky voice: "Damn!" (sounded like "day-um").

I laughed the rest of the way home and all through my re-telling to Blake.

Kids these days --I know they shouldn't swear, but is it horrible if I'm glad they sometimes do?

They're really sayin I love you:

Should you get bored at work and need to look at photos, here is a link to our wedding photographer's blog. I think she did an ok job, but to tell you the truth, we weren't that happy with them. Alas, the only thing in the wedding that I planned didn't turn out well. (My Mom planned everything else, and it all turned out perfectly...I should have had her input on this too...)

Just don't judge me too harshly. I may or may not have dumbface (it's a rare, though not highly contagious condition) in some, and six chins in others. Oh, and you're right, Allie, I do need to learn how to control my facial expressions.

Enjoy:

http://hardiephotography.blogspot.com/2009/04/rachel-blake-wedding.html

Temporal

Monday morning we heard loud clanging coming from the bathroom near our office. So, we went out to investigate and found a sign:

"This bathroom is temporally out of order"

I immediately thought (must be because I'm Mormon), "is it spiritually out of order too? Because that's worse..."

My colleague, Mariko, was so embarassed on behalf of the cleaning staff that she created a new sign that was spelled correctly. You see, a couple of misplaced letters in the workplace can illustrate the differences between having and not having a college degree.

Introducing...

My Dad:

http://byunews.byu.edu/archive09-Apr-lawdean.aspx

He's back (to the law school) and better than ever!

Wedding gifts

Some days are rainy and cold and filled with Bed Bath and Beyond.

Other days you get a $99.99 chair at Office Depot that rings up as $49.92. Those are the good days.

Shapely

Why is it that really really obese people and I have a mutual hatred of each other?

Example:

I got the optimum spot on the platform on the way home the other night: in the right spot so I could get to the stairs quickly when I exited the train at my stop, not too crowded on the platform, and no one in front of me to block my way to an open door.

There I was, waiting for my transfer, minding my own business, when I see an immense man with an equally large suitcase lumbering down the platform in my direction.

We locked eyes.

He started staring me down. Not just a glance, but really staring me down with an intense and rather alarming look on his face.

Naturally, I glared right back at him.

We glared at each other right up until the time (and, let's be honest, it continued afterward) he stopped right in front of me on the platform and remained immovable. Not only did he himself ruin my place, but also, due to the fact that he had created a road block, a crowd of 10 people came to be plugged behind him (and therefore, in front of me) on the platform.

Don't worry, I didn't let it end there.

He continued to stare daggers at me, so I stuck it to him by getting on the metro and getting a seat first, to which he raised his hands in exasperation and guffawed at me.

I was proud of myself.

I was also proud of the man who, at the next stop, got on and took another vacant seat right before Monsieur le Hippo got to it (followed by another hand-raised guffaw). I wanted to give the other business man a high-five, or at least let him know how he had helped me triumph, but I figured he just wouldn't understand.

Let me tell you how I really feel:

When you're young, you should be in shape (or close to it). When you're old, you can be any shape you want: round, spherical, square, pear...

le Hippo was not old. And, he is probably the only person I've ever seen who's waist size is most certainly larger than the length of his legs. Unacceptable.